How to be Hapless

A friend has opened a cool online bookstore

www.freetimebooks.com.au

(I was under no form of duress when I typed this)

While I used to know a bit about computers, I must confess, as I grow older, I find myself caring less and less about what actually goes on inside the box. All I really want to do is to run the programs I need to get through my day, check my emails and if I manage to post this blog on the first go, I’ll be happy. Anyway, until my electro-apathy is absolute, I still read the odd article on computer technology. The one I read yesterday’s paper first lured my attention with the possibility of Angelina Jolie featuring as Lara Croft in future versions of the Tomb Raider PC game (“…in her photorealistic glory…”) Obviously, as an adult, my primary interest was in the ability to rapidly render high resolution images and their applications in CAD and virtual prototyping; and nothing at all to do with Ms. Jolie/Croft’s shorts. Well, alright, but it wasn’t all about the shorts and it turned out to be a reasonably interesting puff piece about AMD’s Cinema 2.0 technology. I was happily reading away, raising my eyebrows appreciatively whenever they used exclamation points or big numbers, until I arrived at this sentence:

“Powering all this are AMD’s new range of ATI Radeon 4800 series graphics cards, capable of harnessing an incredible 1-teraflop of computing power.”

Teraflop! I ask you, how am I meant to take this highly expensive piece of hardware seriously with terms like teraflop being bandied about? Don’t tell me what a teraflop is, if I wanted to know what a teraflop was, I’d Google it. This is why I don’t care what happens inside the box.

 You know, I'm all for irony but I just looked up the price of a text book I'm expected to buy and it's the exact same price the TV I was saving up to buy. Ok fate, enough already! I'll buy the bloody book!

In the last instalment of these random key taps of mine, one of the characters* was wearing a cape. Now, I know what you’re thinking:

“That’s alright for him, he’s imaginary! But what about my cape wearing needs?”

These may include:

1. I’ve just been transformed into a member of the undead and I’ve got the diner suit and best of breed sash but I need to accessorise.
2. I’ve suddenly developed super powers.
3. I’ve just returned from the new world, introduced tobacco to society and now I want to impress some silly bint too stupid to walk around a puddle. 
4. I wish to torture a Spanish bovine to death. 

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

 You may have noticed my absence. Have no excuse for this and the world’s weakest explanation: I was happy.

I’m not unhappy now, but as someone who defines himself as Hapless, being happy does pose somewhat of a logical paradox. Yes, gentle reader, your erstwhile author was reduced to a zero quantum state of contentment, blissfully non-existing in the vanilla blancmange of suburbia.

However….

In recent weeks:     My TV blew up
                                  Both arms fell off my glasses
                                  The watch band snapped on my favourite fake Rolex
                                  I managed to draw blood bumping my head, bending over in the dark
                                  I slipped and fell in a GoLo, upsetting a huge tray of lighters that went every where

If that doesn’t make me Hapless I don’t know what will.

 We’re back baby!

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

… In other news, the high number of igloo fires, caused by faulty smoke detectors, has been blamed on increasing levels of irony in the area; although police suspect it may be the work of roaming gangs of surrealists. When asked to comment, Bertrum Custard-Sprocket, noted Dali-ist, gave an interpretive dance based on the mating habits of Canadian salmon. He was later arrested for unwarranted use of street theatre and simply being annoying. Defence Council for Mr. Custard-Sprocket stated they would challenge the charge of busking on the grounds their client feared change….

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

It's hot. Really hot. Wandering around town is like walking through a brick kiln; not that I've been getting out much of late, what with lecturers making outrageous demands like "Submit all your assignments or I'll fail you". Anyway, I've just handed in two major chunks of work and I'm taking today off! I'm going to drink gin, smoke cigarretes and watch the final day of the second test, I may even do the crossword later. With luck, I'll still be compos enough to watch The Bill tonight. Now thats a rock and roll lifestyle!

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day Everyone!

 A quick reminder (As if any right thinking person would need one) tomorrow is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!